This here is my first short story assessment unit and we got to choose a stimulus to help us make up some story lines. I chose a picture of a young girl in a large, pink jumper, sitting on the side of a playground. She is really lonely and many of the other children are busily playing with their other friends. I thought this stimulus was really interesting and had many good aspects to it because I thought that their are quite a few kids at schools who are lonely and this might appeal to them. In my story, there was some sort of bullying but there was a happy ending so I think that the age group of 10 -13 years would be a good age group because there is no violence in it and the story could appeal to many of them. I also believe that there is a good moral to this story, but I guess you will have to find that out for yourself after you've read my story! Well, here it is -
My Dad’s a Superhero
Maddie slipped through the gate towards her new pre-school but, stopped suddenly to pull on her father’s hand. She was nervous. A woman waiting there introduced herself and after a little bit of conversation between the adults, Maddie’s father motioned to go.
“Well, I’d better go now. Bye Maddie,” smiled the girl’s father. With a clang of the gate, he was gone. A huge tear rolled down onto Maddie’s large, dirty jumper.
The woman seemed to have noticed and knelt down to Maddie’s height.
“It’s alright dear, Dad will be back soon. And anyway, when it’s time to go home you won’t want to go, you will have made such good friends,” she tried to reassure her. Maddie was not convinced.
No one understands. I never make friends. I am just a loner, thought Maddie.
That afternoon did not go too well. Maddie soon discovered that Brittany, one of the most popular girls in the grade, unfortunately was not one of the kindest.
Maddie slipped through the gate towards her new pre-school but, stopped suddenly to pull on her father’s hand. She was nervous. A woman waiting there introduced herself and after a little bit of conversation between the adults, Maddie’s father motioned to go.
“Well, I’d better go now. Bye Maddie,” smiled the girl’s father. With a clang of the gate, he was gone. A huge tear rolled down onto Maddie’s large, dirty jumper.
The woman seemed to have noticed and knelt down to Maddie’s height.
“It’s alright dear, Dad will be back soon. And anyway, when it’s time to go home you won’t want to go, you will have made such good friends,” she tried to reassure her. Maddie was not convinced.
No one understands. I never make friends. I am just a loner, thought Maddie.
That afternoon did not go too well. Maddie soon discovered that Brittany, one of the most popular girls in the grade, unfortunately was not one of the kindest.
Two days later Maddie was alone again and although she had tried to make friends with some of the other children, they had all ignored her. Brittany walked slowly over to where Maddie sat and soon a large group of unfriendly children followed. Maddie looked up at the towering girl and gave a weak smile.
“So Maddie, what do your parents do for a job?” sneered Brittany.
“Probably bin collectors by the looks of her clothes!” laughed a fair skinned boy. Brittany laughed her approval while the other children cheered and shouted.
It was true, Maddie thought. She looked down at her grubby jumper. Dad never has the time to wash my clothes or clean the house anymore. And with Mum gone... she tried to hold back her tears.
“Actually, my Dad’s a Superhero!” cried Maddie in desperation. There was silence.
“Probably bin collectors by the looks of her clothes!” laughed a fair skinned boy. Brittany laughed her approval while the other children cheered and shouted.
It was true, Maddie thought. She looked down at her grubby jumper. Dad never has the time to wash my clothes or clean the house anymore. And with Mum gone... she tried to hold back her tears.
“Actually, my Dad’s a Superhero!” cried Maddie in desperation. There was silence.
After a couple of minutes, Brittany gave a nasty laugh and spoke,
“Of course he’s not you silly girl. They don’t even exist! What would you know anyway? You’re just the stupid new kid!”
The children cheered again and turned back to their games. Maddie could not hold onto her tears any longer.
That afternoon, Maddie was picked up by her father from the school gate.
“Hi Maddie, how was school?” asked her father as she got into the car. He didn’t wait for an answer. “I thought that I might take us for a little drive tonight so you can help me with my job. You might even see one of your friends there. Mrs Lock told me she has a son,” winked Maddie’s father.
“Okay, but where are we going?” Maddie eagerly asked. “And who are we going to see?”
“Never mind, we’re nearly there,” replied her father.
The car pulled up a graveled driveway and into a garage. Walking into the house, Maddie felt very odd, as if she was intruding on someone else’s property. At that moment a worried looking woman, who was obviously Mrs Lock, came out from behind a door and greeted them with a nervous smile.
“Ahhhhh, Sergeant Brown, you are here at last. This whole robbery has got me worried!” exclaimed the woman.
“Now that’s quite alright. It’s very normal to feel like that,” he replied with a warm smile. “May I please have your details?”
Again, another person came out from behind the door and this time the face was familiar. It was the fair skinned boy from school who had mocked Maddie on her third day.
“Mummy, mummy, there isn’t any juice lef-” cried the boy, stopping short when he saw the two visitors. His mouth dropped when he looked firstly at Maddie and then at her father, in his navy blue police uniform. He was clearly shocked when he saw that Maddie’s father really was a superhero.
Maddie smiled secretly to herself. She was very proud of her father and his job. “He is a Superhero. He’s a policeman,” she mouthed to the fair skinned boy.
School was more enjoyable for Maddie over the next few weeks and she soon became quite popular. Brittany was not happy about this but there was nothing she could do. From that day on, nobody ever questioned Maddie Brown again and they believed every word that ever came out of her small little mouth.
The children cheered again and turned back to their games. Maddie could not hold onto her tears any longer.
That afternoon, Maddie was picked up by her father from the school gate.
“Hi Maddie, how was school?” asked her father as she got into the car. He didn’t wait for an answer. “I thought that I might take us for a little drive tonight so you can help me with my job. You might even see one of your friends there. Mrs Lock told me she has a son,” winked Maddie’s father.
“Okay, but where are we going?” Maddie eagerly asked. “And who are we going to see?”
“Never mind, we’re nearly there,” replied her father.
The car pulled up a graveled driveway and into a garage. Walking into the house, Maddie felt very odd, as if she was intruding on someone else’s property. At that moment a worried looking woman, who was obviously Mrs Lock, came out from behind a door and greeted them with a nervous smile.
“Ahhhhh, Sergeant Brown, you are here at last. This whole robbery has got me worried!” exclaimed the woman.
“Now that’s quite alright. It’s very normal to feel like that,” he replied with a warm smile. “May I please have your details?”
Again, another person came out from behind the door and this time the face was familiar. It was the fair skinned boy from school who had mocked Maddie on her third day.
“Mummy, mummy, there isn’t any juice lef-” cried the boy, stopping short when he saw the two visitors. His mouth dropped when he looked firstly at Maddie and then at her father, in his navy blue police uniform. He was clearly shocked when he saw that Maddie’s father really was a superhero.
Maddie smiled secretly to herself. She was very proud of her father and his job. “He is a Superhero. He’s a policeman,” she mouthed to the fair skinned boy.
School was more enjoyable for Maddie over the next few weeks and she soon became quite popular. Brittany was not happy about this but there was nothing she could do. From that day on, nobody ever questioned Maddie Brown again and they believed every word that ever came out of her small little mouth.
Comment
Isabella, A well written piece of work! However, there is room for improvement. As you will note there was a paragraph in your body that was not well explained. I also felt your last sentence was irrelevant and let your ending down. You have begun to develop your character and given her some depth - well done! I was also impressed with your writing style and ability to reflect on your peers/family/teacher's comments. You still have some minor erros concerning your ability to punctuate dialogue and some language choices. Overall, well done Isabella! (Miss English's Comment)
Did you like it? I hope you did! Can you please leave some comments for me to look at? Thankyou. Well, I will try to post some more stories if I have them typed up for you. Until then, see you soon!
Izzy
